Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
