Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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