Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
