I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
