im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
