My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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