I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
