tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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