don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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