Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
