why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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