i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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