wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
