nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
