Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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