so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
