dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
