my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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