I'm gonna have a badass scar
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
