and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
