Im at strip club and am horny
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
