he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
