1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
