I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
