Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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