I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You ruined the universe
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
