somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
