Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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