how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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