before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
