Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
