a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
