I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
