i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
