i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
