That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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