who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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