How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
