her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
