singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
