I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
