can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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