I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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