Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
