we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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