I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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