i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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