Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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