it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
