Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
