You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
