HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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