just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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