I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
