i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My feet surprised me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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