you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
