Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
