I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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