you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
