i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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