I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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